Sunday, August 3, 2014

Avoiding the word LAZY

I am finished with my eighth week of nursing school. I have two weeks to go and I am amazed I have done so much in so little time. It is incredibly exciting to be in a new town and meet new people that I genuinely enjoy being around. I try and do fun things as much as possible, but some of my classmates are not as enthusiastic as me. My new friends spend every waking moment stressing out about school and studying. I realize this is an exaggeration in that they have children, significant others, sometimes jobs, that I cannot picture enduring in such a program. I see my experience as being very different from theirs and once again I have had to give myself a little pep talk every day to reassure myself I am not LAZY.

That word haunts me more than I would like to admit. I get home from class to eat, sleep, rest in bed more, and go back to sleep. I usually study a maximum of an hour at night, usually nothing at all. On the weekends I do the same thing. I have difficulty performing basic chores and errands as usual. I try to get to yoga as much as my joints will let me and I discovered a beautiful park with trails that my dog enjoys. I have only gone walking on the trail thrice though, because my brain and my legs cannot do the work. I have started seeing a pain specialist who has not helped a lot so far, but I am hopeful. I have an appointment this week with a doctor that sounds great. Fingers crossed.

Once again I find myself forced to look at the bright side. I am thankful that I am still doing well in the program while able to do little work. Lazy is definitely not the right word to describe myself. Unhealthy would be the best description. I still wonder what I would be like at my best, but I know I am a completely different person because of this struggle. My stress levels are immensely diminished compared to how I once was: Everything was important. I had to have the best grades, etc. Now, I am just happy to have moments of clarity while listening to my favorite professor. I embrace whole-heartedly moments of escape because I have learned studying is not always my priority. I’m not perfect, but it’s fine because no one else is either.

I believe I have also modified my way of learning. I now have to learn as much as possible in as little time I have. I can take a thirty minute study session in the morning before a test and turn it into gold. I have learned to prioritize on a crazy level. I could not even explain it, I just look at material and pick out key words and burn them to my brain. The subject material helps. Science has always been my first language and nursing is such a fun subject for me. It is patient centered, and I love caring for others!! I’m really in the right place and had I not been sick, my journey would have led me in an entirely different direction.

I don’t really believe in luck or fate, but in a way life has been fair to me. My “laziness” is what makes me step back and realize what’s important. I have to choose what I do with my time wisely, because I need to spend most of my time resting. I usually choose something fun where I’m around people. So feel free to call me lazy or strange, in reality I’m strong and opportunistic. Every moment you can spend making lovely memories are worth it. I will not apologize for putting errands, chores, and studying on the back burner. I hope others in my boat have come to these realizations. PLEASE, don’t be hard on yourself. You are doing the best you can. You may not be the person that has a full time job, goes to class full time and has two kids, but why does that make you worse off?!? Enjoy what you have and let others stress, you have enough to deal with. 

Thanksgiving Dinner (in July)

Baked potato samosas and Dahl